Dads in the Labor ROOM
WHAT AM I DOING???? WHERE do I STAND? HOW do I avoid looking TERIFFIED?
WHAT am I doing?
Best to figure that out BEFORE the big day!!!
I raised 4 boys. I've been doula for many births, including those of my grandchildren. What I've seen about men in birth is a reluctance to get involved - I suspect because of unsureness of their roles. There is a fear of making things worse and a feeling that things are out of control. Add to that the deeply entrenched belief that birth is dangerous, and men often feel very diminished and marginalized in the process. An unfamiliar surrounding and sometimes unwelcoming medical staff - it can be extremely uncomfortable and overwhelming. BUT, the good news is you can learn the skills you need and be prepared. There are some good classes out there, but I'm here to help you learn how to coach and support your own wife or girlfriend so that you work together well during labor. Ideally, what you're doing in labor is playing your natural role of protector - HELPING the room to feel safe for the birth of your baby! Number one thing is to know your wife well enough to understand HOW to make her feel safe during this process and how to help her when her strength is down to a thin string.
WHERE do I stand?
Literally and Figuratively
The time of childbirth can feel very displacing for men. Fathers may not be sure exactly where they stand with their beloved one who's in labor. You've probably heard of women screaming things like "you did this to me" or " I hate you" or "get out of here NOW"...that's pretty intimidating for anyone. Normally those are big fighting words, but when a woman is in labor she just says whatever comes to mind, there is no filter or pause button to stop and reflect on a better choice of words. I once heard a story of a preacher's wife who cussed and cursed her whole way through labor - the doula went to a birth just a few days later and the Marine mom called on Jesus the whole labor! You just don't know what's coming...and that is normal. Where do you stand? You're the father. You're part of the foundation this child will need in life - you stand close and at the ready! You stand where you're needed and you offer to help if there seems to be a need...that means you have to pay attention. Be in the moment the whole time. AND, for the record, in all the births I've been to I've only seen one mom be hateful and that was because of serous relationship problems. MEND your bridges and you'll be fine. Be prepared, she might BITE you, HIT you, CRUSH your hand or slap you - these are PAIN endurance techniques that no mom plans on doing. I had one mom who bit her husband's collar bone in two of their 4 births!!! Sorry guys! This is rough...try not to take it too seriously.
The Terrified Dad...
The movies are NOT right about birth!
The media loves to terrorize men!!! Childbirth, fatherhood, responsibility, even self-respect are openly challenged in the movies - IF YOU'RE a MAN - you're a fool and the problem! This has sunk deep into most men's minds and can be extremely limiting. Being told you're in the way or only have a minimal role to play is frustrating and usually not true. Some men are NOT nurturers - that doesn't mean you have no place. Is Childbirth a seriously dangerous event? No. Not normally. Intense pain and waves of emotion can be very intimidating and the feeling that you need to rush in and save the day can be overwhelming, but you'll find she may or may not want that kind of rescuing. The knight in shining armor may be just sitting beside her offering her water and praising her efforts no matter how scared he is. That may be all she needs. I tell all my moms and dads - SEND FEAR AWAY!!! This is one party FEAR is NOT invited to attend!!! Do not open that door and welcome in your fears. Acknowledge them and send them packing.
Finally, Be STRONG in the LORD and be of good Courage!
Birth is a rite of passage for you too...
You're about to be a whole new man, a deeper meaning comes to who you are and how you function now...you'll blunder and have regrets, but you can be mostly what you're needed to be and sometimes it is ok to just pretend you're courageous...if you act like you are, you'll often be able to do things you never thought you could handle. NOT as a liar, but someone who is able to stretch beyond what you think is possible into what feels entirely out of your reach. Father fail for lack of trying or for pushing too hard.
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Mark and I are working on putting together a parenting class for those who might be interested in learning from two floundering fools who have been blessed with a great family! We can share our mistakes as well as our victories with you.
