My Dad...Robert

My Story

I became a doula because a love for birth, and especially home birth, was bred into my DNA.  My parents choose to use The Bradley Method for birth "husband coached".  However, they had one birth where their relationship was a little rocky and they were still picking at each other during labor - this didn't go well and there were emotional scars for my mom and her baby - bonding was extremely challenging because the right hormones had been blocked by the general tension in the room.  A life of hard work went into repairing that bond and there are still some gaps.  We all learned a very important lesson - it doesn't take much to create a traumatic birth experience that impacts both mother and baby.  As an adult, I saw time and again women rejecting their babies  or feeling a cool indifference for the strangest reasons. When I decided to be a doula I discovered the trauma link with birth and bonding.  Trauma can happen no matter what, that's a fact, but the more supported, loved and nurtured the mother is before and during her labor - the less likely trauma is to be an issue.  The less bonding problems, breastfeeding issues, etc.  Dads play a HUGE role in this, but they are often not supported at all and left to play a major nurturing role when that is often NOT their best skill.  This has led me deeper and deeper into the belief that dads need the support and guidance so they can play their part at their top game rather than accidentally stomping through something that is terribly important and over their heads.  The frailty of the birth environment needs to be respected and honored just like the hatching of an egg or blooming of a flower - it is a delicate process and it must be guarded by strong and gentle souls.

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Finally, my sons.  I married an amazing man who already had 4 sons. His wife abandoned him.  She abandoned her older daughter too.  And the baby before that as well.  WHAT in the world?  Trauma.  Trauma in her childhood, trauma in her younger years, trauma in her birth experiences...the list just goes on and on and on.  In my experience trauma must be addressed before birth, sometimes during birth and then there is a processing period after the birth where trauma can emerge.  If you're unsupported during all of that it can become crippling and even dangerous in some cases.  My youngest son suffered extreme rejection not being held or cared for properly and the "reasons" for this were so petty to anyone who has raised babies - but for their mom it was him who had rejected her by "refusing" to latch and breastfeed normally.  Obviously NO ONE plans on heading down that road, but really rough feelings can come up and we have to be honest about what we're feeling and where it likely is coming from.  Had this mom had the right support she might have never run out on all her children, it is possible she could have overcome her past to the point of seeing things more clearly and not been overwhelmed by normal child behaviors.  We don't know for sure, but wouldn't it be great if all mothers had someone to comfort and support them as they let go of past wounds and become a new person during the birthing process?  It happens a lot and this makes be believe even the moms who already have 5 kids should have a good doula to help them.  In ancient days this was normal birth.  We've medicalized birth so such and extreme and now this is considered to be a luxury.  Your nurse may care, but she has a medical job to do.  Your midwife too!  My examples are very extreme, but I've seen it enough to know that we cannot assume there isn't going to be a problem.